From me to you with love.

A letter from my past

Writing Home

I was just cleaning out my old Yahoo mail account and i went back to the first e-mail that I sent from it and this was it. I love reading over what I was feeling at various points in my life. It’s rather a personal e-mail that I sent out to the entire world… eish. It’s actually a funny story for a number of months I had accidentally been sending very personal and private e-mails that were intended only for my mother to about 70 people around the world. I had been accidentally pressing the wrong button and sending it to the ‘mother of all groups’ and not ‘mother’. I started getting these very personal e-mail from friends across Alaska, I was so touched that they were sharing experiences very similar to what I was going through… I kept asking myself, ‘how did they know that I was going through something similar?!’ only later my mother commented on how courageous i was to share to openly what I was experiencing with so many people did I realize that I was writing to 70 people and not to ‘mom’. After that I continued writing them letters, but changed, Dear Mom to Dearly loved friends, or Dear loved ones. This was the last of the e-mails surrounding my first two years in East Africa.

Dearly Loved Friends,                 Tuesday, September 3, 2002 10:55 AM

Here is the first of my mass e-mails for this year. I have a wild assortment of emotions racing through foggy mind. I feel so scared, and yet excited. I feel like a cold wind has whipped my back leaving a deep wound and at the same time I have been given the most-great honor that a girl could ask for. I feel sad that I am leaving so much behind, but at the same time I see gold and jewels on the trail of my travels. Yes… I am one very confused girl. I have been contemplating so many different things these past few months and new worries have crept into my soul. Neither fears that no one can soothe, nor comfort can ease. One fear is of the condition of my heart, is it being pure? Or do I have some ulterior motive that only my inner-tongue can voice? Am I pioneering solely out of love for Baha’u'llah, and desire to change this world, or does ego play a part? I can tell you all what my greatest fear is. It isn’t snakes or mockery, although I can’t say I enjoy those, it is that my ego will take over the gifts God gave me and I will turn into a monster. I fear that the more public praise I receive will be taken to heart and will eat away the life I have. To me that is the scariest thing that I will face… myself. I ask you to please pray that I learn to only love my self through loving God, but not through the deeds He allows me to perform.

I leave in just 4 days to start my journey back to East Africa. I will make a few stops on the way to visit some old friends and family. On the 13th I will arrive at my new pioneering post, Kenya. I will attend a university there for the next four years. It is my hope that it will be more accredited than the one I went to last year that gave me absolutely zero transfer credits, but it gave me years of experience. My plans are to travel during my breaks where ever needs people to travel-teach and do institute work. As long as funds hold up, I hope to take off one semester every year to travel to one country and offer my services in Ruhi. I am very excited about starting study circles and devotional meetings at the university; I just hope I will find the strength to be more than I am and to offer myself just a little more.

Sorry this is so short and doesn’t really say a whole lot, Once I get a little more packed I will have my thoughts together more fully.

So much love to you all!

Clare Jamal O’Brien