My Quest for Beauty

Sometimes what I want for myself, isn’t what is best for me. I know this now, but I have learned this the hard way, many, many times over.

Baby Clare

As I child I wanted to be beautiful, but I was never very good at. I had a very materialistic understanding of what beauty was and what beauty was not. I fell into the category of ‘was not’ by the standards that I picked up from the magazines that my friends had. All through high school i just wanted to be beautiful. I had it stuck in my mind that if I was beautiful then I would not be lonely. If i was beautiful then I would have a contribution to make, if I was beautiful then I would be able to achieve so much more, if I was beautiful then I would belong. As I look back I realize that beauty wasn’t want I was thirsting for… but I didn’t have the vocabulary to articulate why I wanted to be beautiful. Because I didn’t have the language to describe my longing I was not able to consult on the meaning of beauty beyond a superficial level. This meant that I only new how to describe my desire for beauty in superficial terms which formed and consolidated my understanding of beauty.

Anyways through my adolescent years, for the stated reasons, I wanted to be beautiful. I remember once praying as a youth… “God, please make me beautiful… and make everyone love me.” Looking back I fully recognize that it was a complete self-centred prayer. At the time nothing changed. When I looked in the mirror I still saw the same girl looking back at me. The boys that I had crushes on still came to me to confide how they had crushes on my best friends (who are absolutely stunning!). During that time I went through an intense maturation. I started studying a book called, “Reflections on the Life of the Spirit” with a group of youth (I was almost 15). I found a new meaning of beauty… of doing beautiful things to make the world a better place and developing beautiful qualities. It was very empowering.

In Tiriki West, Kenya

Years later I moved to East Africa and suddenly over night I was deemed beautiful. My full-figured body was no longer out of place. And did I enjoy the attention? No! In fact I never did get used to being proposed to or being the recipient of vast quantities of attention. I felt like it was my physical appearance that people were drawn to and not the beautiful qualities and gems I had been working so hard to polish. Through the next five years I became used to being the centre of attention (I was normally the only white girl and being the only different anything often means that you get more attention).

When I first arrived in England in 2005, I was shocked that I didn’t stick out. In fact I got a bad case of fresher’s flu the first month and I was ill in bed for a period of time. I was so afraid that I would die and that no one would discover me for a number of weeks because I felt invisible. I wanted to feel connected to Oxford, but it was all a giant culture shock for me.

Through the years I have learned to adapt to various cultures. I have noticed that I have been physically characterized as beautiful or plain based on the definition of beautiful to a place, person or culture. However this doesn’t mean much to me anymore… Abdu’l-Baha’s quotation has brought a new desire for a different type of beauty to my life,

Mortal charm shall fade away, roses shall give way to thorns, and beauty and youth shall live their day and be no more. But that which eternally endureth is the Beauty of the True One, for its splendour perisheth not and its glory lasteth for ever; its charm is all-powerful and its attraction infinite. Well is it then with that countenance that reflecteth the splendour of the Light of the Beloved One! The Lord be praised, thou hast been illumined with this Light, hast acquired the pearl of true knowledge, and hast spoken the Word of Truth.